SAN ANDREAS – The usually sun-soaked streets of San Andreas might be blanketed in something other than ShareIt filters this weekend. According to “safety superhero” and self-proclaimed expert Red Morning, a snowstorm of apocalyptic proportions may grace the state, threatening to make roads slicker than a used car salesman’s handshake.
“Hear me now! In the homeland, snowstorms build character. Here? They build traffic accidents!” declared Red Morning, clad in her signature crimson cape and boots that could probably stomp out an avalanche. “But worry not. Red Morning is here with wisdom colder than Siberian winter!” she said, holding an orange safety cone with “SADOT” written on its side.
While meteorologists debate whether this weekend’s “snowstorm” will produce more than a light dusting, Red Morning is unwavering. “Prepare as if Mother Nature is angry babushka throwing powdered sugar on you—but angry sugar is still dangerous sugar!” she explained.
To help San Andreas residents survive what she ominously referred to as The Flakeening, Red Morning offers her 7 Essential Winter Weather Tips (read them in a strong Russian accent – it’ll make more sense if you do):
- Know your enemy: snow.
- “Snow is frozen water—very slippery! Do not trust it. It is like frenemy who seems fun but betrays you the second you step outside.”
- Dress like cabbage.
- “Layers, layers, layers! Be warm like cabbage roll, not cold like sad, naked potato.”
- Tires are lifeline, not fashion statement.
- “Do you know winter tires? No? Then you have same chance surviving snowstorm as penguin in sauna. Get chains or pray to tire gods.”
- Beware of black ice, the ninja of roads.
- “Black ice is silent, invisible, and deadly—like poorly cooked borscht. Slow down, or it will sweep you off feet (but not romantically).”
- Stock supplies like preparing for siege.
- “Water, food, flashlight, blankets, and shovel. And if you run out of food, remember: snow cones are free!”
- Drive like babushka crossing street.
- “Slow, cautious, and full of distrust. Keep distance between you and others like you are avoiding awkward conversation at party.”
- Do not eat yellow snow.
- “This is not joke. This is real advice. You laugh now, but later you thank Red Morning.”
Red Morning stressed that even if the snowstorm fizzles out, preparation builds what she calls “snow cred.” “Better to over-prepare than under-survive!” she exclaimed before dramatically tossing a scarf around her neck.
Skeptics argue that the impending snowstorm might only amount to flurries, but Red Morning dismisses such criticism. “In my homeland, we say, ‘Better safe than stuck in ditch with frozen burrito!’”
As the potential snowstorm approaches, locals are advised to heed these super chill tips—or risk being left out in the cold, both figuratively and literally. And if nothing else, Red Morning reminds everyone: “Snow is temporary, but bad decisions are forever.”
Editor’s Note: Red Morning was last seen sprinting into a hardware store yelling, “Where are snowblowers?!” despite being told multiple times that San Andreas doesn’t stock them.
The featured image is only an artist’s rendition of what Red Morning and the impending snowstorm may look like. She wouldn’t sit still long enough for an actual photo. Something about “safety doesn’t have time to sit still!”
