Truck Thief Drowns, Runs into Traffic after marathon swim, Still Gets Caught (Twice)

LOS SANTOS – In what can only be described as a masterclass in how not to escape the law, a suspect who stole a truck has given us yet another reason to question humanity’s ability to make intelligent choices. It all started earlier this morning when the would-be criminal decided a life of crime would be the perfect career move, stealing a truck and leading police on a wild, high-speed chase that went from ‘bad idea’ to ‘absolute disaster’ in record time.

The chase, which lasted about 15 minutes, took a turn for the worse (for everyone, really) when the suspect made the shocking decision to drive straight into police vehicles that had attempted to trap him in. Yes, you heard that right. The suspect’s move? A vehicular game of “let’s see how many cop cars can be crumpled into oblivion.” Spoiler alert: all of them.

But, of course, that’s not where the story ends—because why stop when you’re on a roll? In an attempt to “lose” the authorities (spoiler #2: you can’t lose them when you’re not even good at driving), the suspect took him and his truck into the icy waters nearby. And not just any plunge, but one that resulted in a 30-minute swim with the local wildlife. That’s right, folks, he was living his best life with the sea life. It’s unclear whether he was trying to outrun the police or auditioning for the role of Aquaman in the next blockbuster, but the result was the same—he drowned. It’s a tragic end, but not one without some absurdity. The cherry on top? A boat finally arrived to rescue him… After eight long minutes of negotiation, something that the suspect wasn’t paying attention to. He finally drowned, and he joined the fishes.

Not wanting to let a little thing like death get in the way of their plans, our fearless suspect was taken out of the cold Pacific Ocean and rushed to the hospital. But don’t get too comfortable just yet, because guess what? This isn’t a Disney movie with a happy ending. As soon as he regained consciousness, he decided to make a run for it. And by “run,” we mean he took off on foot down a massive interstate. That’s right, folks—a high-speed chase… with a human this time. As he darted across lanes of traffic, narrowly avoiding certain death—like, seriously, dude, do you have a death wish?—police were left dodging cars and a man who clearly had no idea what ‘safety’ means. Maybe he thought he could jog off into the sunset, or perhaps he hoped to join the next marathon. Either way, he almost didn’t make it.

Eventually, reality (and the friendly neighborhood cops) caught up with him. After a brief but very entertaining game of “catch me if you can,” he was apprehended (again) and transported back (also again) to the hospital—because nothing says “criminal genius” like running into traffic after surviving a drowning.

So, there you have it, folks. A story of failure, bad decisions, and police pursuits that left us wondering if criminals are this bad at their jobs on purpose. Stay tuned for updates as we dive deeper into the suspect’s absolutely perfect escape plan and subsequent hospital visits. Until then, remember never to steal a truck, run through traffic, and, most importantly, never try to outsmart the police when you can’t even outswim the fish. But if you do, it’s just more job security for us!