SAN ANDREAS ─ In what can only be described as a blockbuster action movie (minus the special effects budget), the San Andreas Highway Patrol (SAHP) faced down their latest nemesis: the self-styled “San Andreas Serial Bomber,” Lawrence Benjamin. And boy, did he keep them busy! Explosions, high-speed chases, hostage crises—Benjamin pulled out all the stops in his campaign to prove that being “most wanted” is still very much in fashion.
The Great Chase (and Crash) of November 9
It all began with a good old-fashioned police pursuit. According to SAHP’s press release, Benjamin, armed with a taste for speed and poor decision-making, led officers on a wild ride down Route 13 in a stolen Dodge Charger outfitted with law enforcement-grade emergency lights. Because, you know, when you’re on the run, the best way to lay low is to pretend you’re the cops. The chase reached a climactic crash in downtown Los Santos, where Benjamin upped the ante by threatening officers with a rigged-to-explode vehicle.
Naturally, a bomb squad was called. Naturally, they didn’t show up—because “limited funding.” SAHP Major Tom Dixon stepped in to negotiate, likely adding “amateur hostage negotiator” to his already impressive resume. The suspect eventually ditched the hostage but not before rigging the vehicle with a ticking bomb. When officers approached to save the hostage, the vehicle exploded, injuring Major Tom and others. “Heroic effort” was the term SAHP used—though some might say “desperately underfunded effort” fits better.
Bombs Away (Literally)
Benjamin wasn’t done. After being arrested and jailed, he left a dramatic note behind upon his miraculous prison break. “I told you that I would see you soon! You have brought what happens next upon yourselves! The system is corrupt and must be purged,” it read. Well, if the system included Los Santos’ infrastructure, mission accomplished.
Explosions followed his escape: medians, intersections, train yards, and even the Diamond Casino became stages for Benjamin’s twisted performance. At one point, an EOD technician, William Green, disarmed two bombs at the casino before a third one detonated, leaving him seriously injured. Thankfully, Green recovered—but not before teaching us all that you can survive anything if you’re wearing enough plot armor.
Why the Delay, SAHP?
Here’s the kicker: all this chaos, destruction, and near-misses happened on November 9th. The press release about it? That didn’t drop until November 27th. That’s nearly three weeks later. You’d think a serial bomber wreaking havoc across the state would be the kind of thing law enforcement would want to publicize immediately. So, what’s with the delay? LSPD had a release out the next day. You’re supposed to be the STATE police.
Could the SAHP be hiding something? Maybe they wanted to tidy up a few inconvenient details before letting the public in on the story. Or perhaps they were too busy patching up the gaping holes in their emergency response system to address the media. Either way, it’s suspicious. One might argue that transparency should come as quickly as, say, a bomb squad response. Oh, wait…
Budget Bombshells
Speaking of gaping holes, perhaps the most stunning revelation in SAHP’s press release wasn’t Benjamin’s penchant for explosives but the fact that the state’s bomb squad and tactical teams were, quite literally, unavailable during key moments. Multiple scenes saw officers improvising bomb protocols and simply letting devices “safely” detonate. If that doesn’t scream “tight budget,” we don’t know what does.
Climactic Courthouse Shootout
Benjamin’s final act came during a hostage situation at the Los Santos Courthouse, where he demanded a helicopter escape vehicle (because apparently, that works). After negotiations failed, officers moved in, leading to an explosive shootout in which multiple officers and the hostage were injured. It was Corporal Andrew Murphy, with nothing but a pistol and sheer determination, who delivered the final shot, ending Benjamin’s rampage.
SAHP described the takedown as a collaborative effort, though one can’t help but notice it seems to have been more a game of survival than strategy. With “heavy body armor, an assault rifle MK II, and a ton of ammunition,” Benjamin was ready for war. Good thing Murphy was ready to play hero.
Sentencing and Aftermath
Following his second arrest, Benjamin was slapped with a fresh batch of charges, including terrorism, use of explosives, and escaping custody. He now faces 166 years in Bolingbroke Penitentiary, where we can only hope he doesn’t MacGyver his way out again.
SAHP closed their press release by thanking the public for reporting suspicious activity and officers for their “dedication and bravery.” Meanwhile, Weazel News would like to thank the state budget committee for ensuring every bomb threat comes with a side of improvisational drama.
Closing Thoughts
While SAHP and other agencies displayed commendable effort in handling Benjamin’s reign of terror, the timing of this press release raises questions. Why wait so long to inform the public about an escaped bomber and a string of explosions? Transparency is vital for public trust—something SAHP might want to keep in mind for next time.
Stay tuned to Weazel News for updates on this ongoing saga. And remember, if you see something suspicious, say something—because chances are, the professionals are just as concerned as you are.
