As the confetti settles and the champagne hangovers fade, society insists we enter the new year with a clean slate, ready to “become our best selves.” But let’s be honest: resolutions are boring, fleeting, and smell faintly of kale smoothies and broken dreams. Instead, why not ring in the new year with a bang that guarantees a story your future grandkids will definitely need a therapist to process?
Here are some utterly outrageous ways to start your year “fresh” (or at least shockingly memorable):
1. Fake Your Own Rebirth
Forget soul-cleansing retreats. Why not literally emerge from a giant egg in the middle of Times Square? Hire a team of actors to dress as adoring birds and chant as you burst forth, covered in glitter and screaming, “THE PHOENIX HAS RISEN!” Bonus points if you can negotiate a deal with a live-streaming platform.
2. Declare Your Own Nation
Tired of taxes and laws that don’t apply to you? Start your own country on January 1st. All you need is a flag, a catchy anthem, and a “constitution” written on the back of a cocktail napkin. Plant your flag somewhere public—like the top of a Wendy’s—and demand international recognition. If they refuse, consider applying for foreign aid from your neighbors.
3. Commit to a Wild New Identity
Who needs to improve their actual self? This year, become someone else entirely. Spend December 31 legally changing your name to something like “Blitz Stardust McLaser” and start speaking exclusively in a made-up accent. Tell coworkers, “The old me is dead,” and dive into your new persona with reckless abandon.
4. Replace All Your Friends with NPCs
Feeling bogged down by the emotional weight of human relationships? This year, switch your circle of friends with professional LARP actors. They’ll respond to all your actions with dramatic flair, shout “QUEST COMPLETE” when you finish tasks, and never ask you to help them move.
5. Celebrate with a Catapult-Launch Champagne Toast
Normal toasts are for the uninspired. Instead, invite your friends to a field, load your champagne bottle into a catapult, and fire it into the heavens. Scream, “TO THE STARS!” as it arcs through the sky. Sure, you might need some safety waivers, but is it truly outrageous if there’s no risk involved?
6. Outsource Your Resolutions to AI
In this tech-savvy age, why not let artificial intelligence decide how you should live your life? Hand over your personal data to a rogue chatbot (oh hi!) and let it generate a list of resolutions like “master underwater basket weaving” or “become a TikTok sensation with interpretive dance renditions of tax codes.”
7. Move to a New Time Zone Every Month
Who needs stability when you can live in perpetual jet lag? This year, resolve to chase midnight across the globe. By December, you’ll have no idea what day it is, and frankly, you won’t care.
8. Start the Year with a Fake Apocalyptic Countdown
As the clock strikes midnight, gather your friends and dramatically announce, “And so it begins!” before activating smoke machines, red lights, and an ominous countdown to something. When they inevitably panic, shrug and say, “Just testing your survival instincts!”
9. Create a “New Year Purge” Tradition
Why not make the first day of the year completely lawless in your household? Whoever survives without spilling their mimosa gets to declare one “unbreakable” house rule for the rest of the year. Just remember: hide the breakables, and maybe the dog.
10. Unleash the Year of the Glitter Cannon
Want to truly embrace the chaos? Commit to releasing a glitter cannon every time you feel like celebrating something in 2024. Got out of bed? Glitter cannon. Paid your electric bill? Glitter cannon. It’s wildly impractical, but your neighbors will envy your sparkle (or call the cops).
Why Settle for Ordinary?
The new year doesn’t have to be a bland treadmill of self-improvement. Instead, embrace absurdity, break social norms, and make January 1 a date that will live on in infamy. Sure, some might call these ideas “ridiculous,” but isn’t that better than being forgettable?
This year, be the chaos you want to see in the world.
